JOKES

 Clever Engineer
A mathematician and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The mathematician leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The mathematician persists and explains that the game is real easy and lots of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The mathematician, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The mathematician asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the mathematician Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the mathematician "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"
The mathematician looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The mathematician then hits the engineer, saying, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The engineer calmly pulls out his wallet, hands the mathematician five bucks, and goes back to sleep.

Software Engineer
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"
The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Engineer as a Designer of the Human Body
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

Wife or Mistress
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

A Train Ticket
An accountant and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both accounting and engineering majors. Each of the engineering majors had his/her own train ticket. But the accountants had only ONE ticket for all of them. The engineers started laughing and snickering. The accountants ignored the laughter.
Then, one of the accountants said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the accountants piled into the bathroom. The engineers were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the engineers. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said "Ticket please". An accountant stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the accountants emerged from the bathroom. The engineers felt really stupid.
On the way back from the convention, the group of engineering majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the accountants, who had NO tickets amongst them. When the accountant lookout shouted "Conductor coming!", all the accountants again piled into a bathroom. All of the engineers went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the accountants left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "Ticket please".

Proud of a Father
The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.
"It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

Surgeons Know Best about Engineers
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

God and the Devil discuss an Engineer
Although locked in fierce competition for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee just to catch up with each other. One week they're in heaven and the next they're in hell. When it was God's turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped down in the golden chair. As he poured a cup, God said, "You look pretty pleased with yourself." "Yeah," said the Devil, "Things are really looking up since I got that engineer last week. He's put in escalators and flush toilets, and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I've been meaning to thank you for turning him away up here." God looked stunned, and almost spilled coffee into the saucer. "You know that you're not supposed to get any engineers," God said. "Peter was breaking in some new help at the gates last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we'll straighten it out." But the Devil just chuckled and said, "No. I think I'll keep him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see why you keep them all for yourself." "Send him back," demanded God "No," smirked the Devil. God thundered, "Send him back, or..." "Or what?" the Devil asked. "Or I'll sue," finished God. The Devil chuckled again. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Four Engineers and a Broken Car
There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"